n o excuse.. but BUSY

hey. sorry its been a while
that i have not had a moment
tlm says 30 min
i think thats funny
she knows she needs
30 moments
quirky
smart.
brilliant.

anyhow
i hate to say
but ive been
busy
yes
that same
busy
that kept
me from
previous
blogs.
well,
hopefully this busy
will find time
to let me
have moments
to come here
and ramble

then again
ive also been rambling
more often
at the board
something
i had
not done
for many
moments
ago.

im finding the balance
it will be fine.

so
anyways
busy
it went
a little something
like this.
kel
yahoo sets
rabbi b
school
womens fest setup
school, ty and womens fest
EXHAUSTION
SLEEP
and then
it slowly
stopped
and came back
but not like before
because
now
i am
back in school
i am
more committed
dedicated
determined
and now
there is
a clearer
picture
of ahead
i see it
i have listened
i have learned
and i am ready
2L
big stuff
half way
need the push
to go
all the way

PLUS
there is football
yipee
on a fantasy
league
they have
my LT
*tear*
i will
get him back!

so
yes
i am back
to busy
but i am
ready
for
different
discipline
walking
the talk
and talking
the walk.
the light
needs
to be shed
carried
everywhere
across
to all.
one.
nation
under G-d
indivisible
with
liberty
and
justice
for all.

they are
too busy
fighting
over the
petty word
rather
than realizing
that what
they need
to fight for
is the words
and the meaning
and the belief
and the truth
behind it.

silly men
wasting time
diversion
untruth
hateful
bias
the haze
over
the mass
darkness

here comes
the light
and
her
chandelier
my group
my love
my life
light
bearers.
peace
and love

tomorrow

tomorrow
a new week
that starts
school
new goals
new hopes
new ways

everything
while
still the same
is so
different
change
the only
constant
i can see
all around me
awakening
touche

feelings
are
out of wack
something
strange
within me
this must be
second year
ptsd
or somethin
numbness
all around
emptyness
galore
motivation
drained
excitement
leaked
what
is
when
am
where
am i.

there is a big spider
on my wall
oh boy
a new dilemna
its all i needed
add it
to the list
oh boy
he got away
not good.
i said
oh boy
twice.
weird.

now im
at high
alert
spider
bite
my arse
eek.

back
to
tomorrow.

i have lots to do.
such a busy
telling
week.
but
i am going
to prove
them all
so wrong
and me
so right
that
i
can
commit
perform
outdo
em all.

tomorrow.
i say
bring
it
on.

mommy

my mom
is ima
my sis
types it
ema
technically,
its ima.

however.
whatever.

she is my light
the woman who
gave me life
created me
a seed
that grew
inside her
all that i am
because of her
through her
part of her.

whenever i speak
of my mother
i always
feel
love
and pain
fear
and
sadness.
she did
so well
all along
kindness
love
passion
all
embraced
embodied
passed on
from her.

i do not
at all
blame her
for believing
the things
that she was taught
because
some things
as much sense as they make
can not be
countered
because
thats
what
they
say.

a wedge
this truth
slammed
between us
and a wall
put
between
us.
more of
a fence
with windows.

i want
so badly
no longer
to split
our hearts
our lives
our beings
i am me
unique
different
but
i am
an extension
of you
your spirit
the spark
of my own
and never
no matter what
ever
can
anything
but you
be
the part
the it
the me.

my mom
i am your daughter
proud
loved
and
always
loving
you
forever
true
i am
all that you
wanted for me
i just
changed
the names
genders
roles
but
everything
my dream
yours
is true
is here
is mine
part
of you.

i need you
i always will
i love you
the first
woman
to have
my heart
teach
learn
need
you.

when it doesnt matter...

it is so weird
when you get to the point
where you know
that something
that was
really
a big
matter
doesnt
really
matter.

one part of you knows
recognizes
hey
isnt this
something that you
always
felt
so much
for
and
it
mattered
so

but then
the other part
the new part
grown
wise
accepts
that we have grown
and those feelings
do not
need
to be pulled
out
once more
because
the hole
is filled
there is
no void.
serenity.

i realize
that i
never looked
to the future
jealous
of age
rather
i lived
today
in the
age
and
mind
of my body
and
i experienced
my moment
my day
my life.

now
i sit
and wonder
how do i deal
with the fact
that i recognize
these feelings
and remember
the feeling
yet
know that
they are not
feelings
i care
to have.

personal conflicts
and conflicts of interest
it makes sense
to me
i hope
it made sense to me.
stupid mpre.

so i will
not see
her
when
all of them
will
but
to me
i will be
where i need to be
and if
that means
seeing
her
than
so be it
either way
ill
know
that i
can live
without
those
feelings.
sorry
those
who cant.
but just remember
it doesnt
matter.

yes, I know...

i say that a lot.
i wonder if
maybe its because
everyone thinks
i dont know
but i just dont see it
as anything more
than an acknowledgment
of understanding
between
two.

i know the way
the strings are pulled
the way the gears turn
in this enviroment
this atmosphere
this society

its a business.
everything is
each person
an organization
of thoughts, believes, views
and ways of living
influenced
compromised
sold
for ownself
personal
profit
big corp
buying
us
selling
ourselves
freedom
means
free
means
u get nothing
out of it.
somewhere
freedom
is making
the rich
man
richer
and the poor
man
poorer.
this is not right
and all the while
messing
with poorm's value
self worth
morals
ethics
behavior
living
life
ways.

its enough.
its time
for the truth.
what is truth
truth truly is relative
but to me
i define it
as no lies
up front
knowledge
so that each
person
on their own
may decide
the truth
of their opinions
beliefs
views
and stand up
for themself
and be ok
with who
they are
how
they are
why
they are.

for me
wealth is required
but it is never
the reason
or motivation
peace
rules
trumps all
tranquility
and love
in essence
G-d.

yes, i know...

my school

my school gave me the chance
then they tried to take it away
i must now stand up
and fight
and prove
that there
is reason
to believe
in me
my future
my value.

my school
may not be
great
or something
special
but my school
is my school
and they
took me
as i was
and now
they
realize
it may be
different

but
you know what
thats ok
i have two years
to shape their minds
their thoughts
and ideas
and spread the light
justice
equality
really
to everyone

and when
they go on
and serve
the public
and the
people
and represent
equality
justice
fairness
they will
have
the light
in them
the gates
open
ideas
outside
the lines
and boxes
colors
galore.

this is my school
this is my duty
this is my commitment.

i want to lead
well
i have no map
and here i am
i am either
going to get lost
or step up
take a stand
and follow
my
guiding
light.

my school
i must love
because
my school
loves
me.