going back

i just want to go back
to being me
not in all ways
certain ways
the motivated
dreamy
focused me.

sometimes
i want to go back
to the depressed
suicidal
manic me.

i even think
of going back
to the promiscious me
this time slightly diff
with a blurred view
without losing
the purity
and being
carefree.

but
i never
think
of going back
to the lonely me
teased me
forgotten me.

and i remember
all those me's
what they have taught me
where they have brought me
who i am today
me.

so
if i have lost
some of my better traits
and if i have gained
some baggage
and shielded views
its not about going back
because i know where i have been
its about moving forward
and deciding where im going.

so i just need to work harder
focus longer
and CLEAN
up my act
my room
my path.

the bunny is cruisin
with my lady snoozin
the music boomin
and my shades guiding
my light
my sight
my path
me.

one of those wow moments...

when you realize something that has changed about you...
and its actually for the better.

i just had a moment
after chatting with a pal
where somehow i was taken back
to a moment
where something about me
that was learning distance
and tested the lines
was questioned
critiqued (however u spell that...)
and
feedback
received.

even then
when it hurt
as it does
when something about you
is picked on
brought to the attention of those you love
and found to be at fault.

even enduring the pain
i recognized
that the people i love
whether they love me in return
are teaching me something
about myself
about others
about interraction
and pain
is part
of that
inter=action.

emotion
feeling
memory
a little shock
of sensation
to let you know
that you feel.
(and as i say.... i know i am alive because I feel...)

feeling
becomes
remembering
and
memories
which become
lessons
thoughts
and
shape
our everyday
communication
sensation
and
interraction.

today
i look back
and a quick glimpse
once i was told
how to improve
and today
without
even a bother
its adjusted
corrected
and somehow
seems to serve
its purpose.

its amazing having one of these wow moments.
realizing something has changed within you.
and being better for it.
being who i am today
is every moment
feeling
sensation
of all my
days/months/years
before me
growing.
feeling.
alive.

B"H

thursday nite

and in 9 min, friDAY...

i know i said i would try
daily blogs
but like i said
we are gonna have to work on it
changing everything
about you
your surroundings
your love
its tough
and i apparently
either control issues
or lazyness problems
cant seem to dive in.
coward maybe?

well... i will get THERE though
where THERE is i dont know
and thats part of the struggle
i cant decide
or even narrow
how i see my tomorrow

maybe i believe
that things will just work
way more
maybe its like a cup
and you fill it with hard work
sacrifice
commitment
and then when the time comes
for things to work out
they overflow
and the return
everything
desired.

so thats what its about
sacrifice
commitment
hard work
and
belief

so
6 min til tomorrow
im going to commit
sacrifice
and work hard
and of course
i always believe
so
here i come
not ready
ready or not
anyway
awake
asleep
good night
great tomorrow

brit milah

wow. wow again.

over the years i have casually spoken of this ritual
circumcision (hereafter, "brit")
the choice many mothers face
to snip or not
does not really exist
in my fate
judaism
its a necessary
sacrifice if you will
to enter
the covenant.

but, today
it was my nephew
entering in the covenant
E.M.Y.D
what a champ
brave and strong
apparently
endowed as well
the strange things
people discuss

so
someone had to film it
and bravely i rose
i was hoping to be photographer
but fine, video it will be
the nooel (*SP)
(person who does the procedure)
is a dr.
and well he should be
for what he is about to do

there i stood
proudly
admiring
his strength
energy
and focus.
he knew to be brave
and he was
he just knew.

and then
pass the scalpel
check
pass the gauze
check
pass the clamp
uhh...
debby?
*THUD*

intense
is an understatement
apparently
three times
in and out
consciousness
reality
faded
shaded
serene
quiet
peace

tranquil
G-d
present
and
accounted for.

once my mother
believes i am fine
and realizes
the show must go on
my sister
stepping up
to protect

back to our places
the time has come
open Your arms
reach out and accept
this lamb
upon Your alter
entering
an eternal
fulfilling
relationship

proudly
family
blood and not
celebrate
rejoice
Your son
has entered
Your covenant
accepted.

blogger in hebrew

isnt that wonderful?
you can now blog in hebrew
thats just so great
in so many ways

nothing much going on today
but i said i was going to try
and blog daily
so here i am
blogging
daily
or at least beginning to

my drive home was interesting
did no one teach people
that you dont change lanes in front of
a speeding car??
somebody add that
to the driving course
please

i feel as though i am getting sick
actually
i have felt sick
and now im starting to
have all the symptoms
ive sneezed so many times tonight
and unfortunately
not ever sneeze
was met
with a bless you
psshhtt
only a bless me
works the same
:)

so
back to the drive home
it was very ping pongy
one moment
im planning all the errands and such
that i need to do
from TJ's
to wamu
to vz
all the hip
acronyms ive got

on the other hand
i have to study
i HAVE TO STUDY
absolutely
MUST
i think
no, i KNOW
the study
MUST
trump all else
but will it??

so
tonights final thought
is about
all the minutes
that will turn to hours
that i will spend
tomorrow
hopefully
spending them
on task
studying
learning
reading
all that
im supposed to do
with this title
of "student"

i guess the title
of "wife"
must be put on hold
which is ok
because wednesday
is our
special day
to celebrate
v-day
which really
is everyday
but since everyone else is doing it
so will we
except
well do it a day early
and the way we spend most days
together
good food
laughing
and lots
of
...
FUN!! ;)

february 08...

its been a while since i have blogged.
its been a while since ive stopped to think
since i have pondered
dreamt
and created.
its been a while since ive
stood up to the challenge
won the fight
taken the time.
i want tomorrow to be the first
of the different days
of the new age
every minute
accounted
and spoken for.

valentines day
is near
today is 7 mos
married
and our anniversary
weeks away.

ive found the love
for the love life
and now i must
work on the
career
of career life
and most importantly
on the me
in my life.

i will try blog more often
maybe sticking to a schedule
and including
little things
like blogging
will help
in the transforming
into
the studious
disciplined
focused
me.

something
sooner
or later
has gotta
give
even if
just a little
just enough
to set free
whats inside
of me.

sweet dreams
today is tomorrow
tomorrow is here
and i must live it
today.