cheating myself

i have never felt
proud
or glad
and have neer easily
admitted
that i skate by
right on by
playing it cool
all the while
cheating myself

i have never felt
compelled
to compete
to be the best
somehow
i always knew
that was not my role
not my place
i am glad to be #2
content
i am who i am
placing top
does not change it.

i have never felt
that i was a failure
because i always knew
what i wanted
and achieved it
nonetheless.
i have made it where i am
that must mean something.

but

i have never felt
that all this time
it was me
who was being cheated
i said it
i thought
i understood it
but really
i never felt it.

**** AND NOW ****

now i know
now i realize
i can not go back
i can not change it
but i can move forward
i can learn from it.

what is lost is lost
and can not be undone
there is no undo button
in the game of life.

waking up
each day
knowing what will get done
must get done
should get done
needs to be enough.
no more hacking with my life
no more skating along.

i am to be great
i may not be top
but i will create change
i will fight hard
and
i will be dedicated
i will be committed
and i will always love.

today
this all begins
with me
within
and around
starting with
con law.