going back

i just want to go back
to being me
not in all ways
certain ways
the motivated
dreamy
focused me.

sometimes
i want to go back
to the depressed
suicidal
manic me.

i even think
of going back
to the promiscious me
this time slightly diff
with a blurred view
without losing
the purity
and being
carefree.

but
i never
think
of going back
to the lonely me
teased me
forgotten me.

and i remember
all those me's
what they have taught me
where they have brought me
who i am today
me.

so
if i have lost
some of my better traits
and if i have gained
some baggage
and shielded views
its not about going back
because i know where i have been
its about moving forward
and deciding where im going.

so i just need to work harder
focus longer
and CLEAN
up my act
my room
my path.

the bunny is cruisin
with my lady snoozin
the music boomin
and my shades guiding
my light
my sight
my path
me.

one of those wow moments...

when you realize something that has changed about you...
and its actually for the better.

i just had a moment
after chatting with a pal
where somehow i was taken back
to a moment
where something about me
that was learning distance
and tested the lines
was questioned
critiqued (however u spell that...)
and
feedback
received.

even then
when it hurt
as it does
when something about you
is picked on
brought to the attention of those you love
and found to be at fault.

even enduring the pain
i recognized
that the people i love
whether they love me in return
are teaching me something
about myself
about others
about interraction
and pain
is part
of that
inter=action.

emotion
feeling
memory
a little shock
of sensation
to let you know
that you feel.
(and as i say.... i know i am alive because I feel...)

feeling
becomes
remembering
and
memories
which become
lessons
thoughts
and
shape
our everyday
communication
sensation
and
interraction.

today
i look back
and a quick glimpse
once i was told
how to improve
and today
without
even a bother
its adjusted
corrected
and somehow
seems to serve
its purpose.

its amazing having one of these wow moments.
realizing something has changed within you.
and being better for it.
being who i am today
is every moment
feeling
sensation
of all my
days/months/years
before me
growing.
feeling.
alive.

B"H

thursday nite

and in 9 min, friDAY...

i know i said i would try
daily blogs
but like i said
we are gonna have to work on it
changing everything
about you
your surroundings
your love
its tough
and i apparently
either control issues
or lazyness problems
cant seem to dive in.
coward maybe?

well... i will get THERE though
where THERE is i dont know
and thats part of the struggle
i cant decide
or even narrow
how i see my tomorrow

maybe i believe
that things will just work
way more
maybe its like a cup
and you fill it with hard work
sacrifice
commitment
and then when the time comes
for things to work out
they overflow
and the return
everything
desired.

so thats what its about
sacrifice
commitment
hard work
and
belief

so
6 min til tomorrow
im going to commit
sacrifice
and work hard
and of course
i always believe
so
here i come
not ready
ready or not
anyway
awake
asleep
good night
great tomorrow

brit milah

wow. wow again.

over the years i have casually spoken of this ritual
circumcision (hereafter, "brit")
the choice many mothers face
to snip or not
does not really exist
in my fate
judaism
its a necessary
sacrifice if you will
to enter
the covenant.

but, today
it was my nephew
entering in the covenant
E.M.Y.D
what a champ
brave and strong
apparently
endowed as well
the strange things
people discuss

so
someone had to film it
and bravely i rose
i was hoping to be photographer
but fine, video it will be
the nooel (*SP)
(person who does the procedure)
is a dr.
and well he should be
for what he is about to do

there i stood
proudly
admiring
his strength
energy
and focus.
he knew to be brave
and he was
he just knew.

and then
pass the scalpel
check
pass the gauze
check
pass the clamp
uhh...
debby?
*THUD*

intense
is an understatement
apparently
three times
in and out
consciousness
reality
faded
shaded
serene
quiet
peace

tranquil
G-d
present
and
accounted for.

once my mother
believes i am fine
and realizes
the show must go on
my sister
stepping up
to protect

back to our places
the time has come
open Your arms
reach out and accept
this lamb
upon Your alter
entering
an eternal
fulfilling
relationship

proudly
family
blood and not
celebrate
rejoice
Your son
has entered
Your covenant
accepted.

blogger in hebrew

isnt that wonderful?
you can now blog in hebrew
thats just so great
in so many ways

nothing much going on today
but i said i was going to try
and blog daily
so here i am
blogging
daily
or at least beginning to

my drive home was interesting
did no one teach people
that you dont change lanes in front of
a speeding car??
somebody add that
to the driving course
please

i feel as though i am getting sick
actually
i have felt sick
and now im starting to
have all the symptoms
ive sneezed so many times tonight
and unfortunately
not ever sneeze
was met
with a bless you
psshhtt
only a bless me
works the same
:)

so
back to the drive home
it was very ping pongy
one moment
im planning all the errands and such
that i need to do
from TJ's
to wamu
to vz
all the hip
acronyms ive got

on the other hand
i have to study
i HAVE TO STUDY
absolutely
MUST
i think
no, i KNOW
the study
MUST
trump all else
but will it??

so
tonights final thought
is about
all the minutes
that will turn to hours
that i will spend
tomorrow
hopefully
spending them
on task
studying
learning
reading
all that
im supposed to do
with this title
of "student"

i guess the title
of "wife"
must be put on hold
which is ok
because wednesday
is our
special day
to celebrate
v-day
which really
is everyday
but since everyone else is doing it
so will we
except
well do it a day early
and the way we spend most days
together
good food
laughing
and lots
of
...
FUN!! ;)

february 08...

its been a while since i have blogged.
its been a while since ive stopped to think
since i have pondered
dreamt
and created.
its been a while since ive
stood up to the challenge
won the fight
taken the time.
i want tomorrow to be the first
of the different days
of the new age
every minute
accounted
and spoken for.

valentines day
is near
today is 7 mos
married
and our anniversary
weeks away.

ive found the love
for the love life
and now i must
work on the
career
of career life
and most importantly
on the me
in my life.

i will try blog more often
maybe sticking to a schedule
and including
little things
like blogging
will help
in the transforming
into
the studious
disciplined
focused
me.

something
sooner
or later
has gotta
give
even if
just a little
just enough
to set free
whats inside
of me.

sweet dreams
today is tomorrow
tomorrow is here
and i must live it
today.

2008....

lets make it great!

this year, in its short 6 days, has already been filled with lessons and awareness.
I know this can only mean great things will continue to lie ahead.

I start my internship tomorrow.
but the flame
that ive always had
of excitement
anxiety
and sorts
is not sparked within me
not that i am not excited
or nervous
but i feel blank

i know it will be fine
and maybe this is a new way
of jitters
for me to experience
im sure it will be great
i hope to be great
but for right now
i am just
hoping
to get through it
and find
my spark
and flame.

my birthday passed
several weeks ago
i am now
25
there, i said it
25
wow.
and for the first time
i dont feel
younger
older
but rather
just right

and now
i am ready
to embrace
just right
and take with it
all the experiences
that it has to offer
and all the lessons
that will continue to come
i hope to learn from them
and repeat
only those
worth repeating.

its not going to be easy
this year will be
the biggest
greatest
challenge
i have faced
in many, many years

how funny is that
of all the things
that i have gone through
experienced
and felt
somehow
there is something
that sticks out
and inside of me
i know
that after tomorrow
whatever happens
i will
never
be
the
same
again.

so
before i go
lay in bed
hopefully
not too
restless
i wanted to fill you in
and let you know

tune in
keep in touch
whats to come
no one knows
but what
i do know
is who i have been
and who i am
and who i will be
shall all
collide
melt
and form
the new
current
me.

wish me
all that
i wish you
love
happiness
oh, and luck!

leaving...

leaving
is not
an easy thing to do
although
it might be
the necessary action.

i remember
leaving
to pursue
better nights

and as much
as i knew
its what
i was
meant to do

it never
ever
stopped
me
from feeling
the
sadness
loneliness
heartache.

even in arms
of love
and safety
we can be
afraid
alone
and wondering

sometimes
it hurts
so much
we cant forget
and so
we fear
leaving
ever
again.

the hardest part
is knowing
about the fear
about the leaving
the consequences
and seeing
the path
ahead

and

its knowing
that those feelings
emotions
do not stay
behind
but rather
remain
within us
just
differently
taking different
forms

meaning
and
feelings
and
emotions
we can never forget them
becase knowing
of them
is how
we know
what it
feels like
means
and resembles.

however
our feelings
are disguised
and made aware
to us
erasing them
means trying
not to know
pain
and love
and feeling.

turning to
repression
digression
unhappiness
and
sadness.

they key
to being
balanced
and at peace
is knowing
each feeling
carrying
all our emotions
with us
everyday
not forgetting
remember
what our path behind us is
and that it reflects
into us
on our path
forever.

we just
get to choose
which turns
and detours
we go on
as we continue
on our
path
of life
until
we
leave.

one without the breaks

emotions. thousands. ever feel like your mind is just so overloaded that it feels numb. all your neurons firing at warp speed. thoughts just blurred. you want to cry and yet feel happy. you want to smile but feel pain. maybe, its just, wanting to feel. emotions. that is the word to label feelings. but, what is the feeling. is it the actual physical feeling your body is stimulated by, or is it the ripple that runs to your brain and creates emotion. if you do not show emotion, do you not feel? and if you feel, do you always show emotion? There must be a sixth sense. Something to fit heartbreak, pain, fear, and all our other emotions into. after all, we do feel them. but ive never touched anger, and yet i always hold optimism. this untouchable reality. feelings. how can you not beleive in their existence. yet, you do not see, hear, touch, smell or taste them. so, with every emotion, any emotion, when we experience them, we are believing in something untouchable. unreachable. yet, real. therefore, believe in faith, believe in love, believe in all the emotions. they are real. even if you can not see them. meanwhile, i'll be going through the cycle of continuing exploration of the thousands of emotions and feelings, most of which i can not name. peace. love. truth. have a super weekend. happy birthday to my special little man.

midterm mania

something
is seriously
the matter
when
nothing
especially
important
somethings
matters.

exams
tension
or pressure
whatever it is
what you do with it
is what
matters.

i wonder
what it is
will become
of me
and how
i will
get there
do i matter
how will i matter
matter
matter
matter.

how can
i make
myself
care
and make
things matter
when
i am
happy
no
matter
what.

am i happy
is the bigger
question
and that
does matter.

so
maybe
i must
look into
what
happy is
and what
it means
to be
happy.

i want those rules
so i can see
if i apply them
to me
what will
the conclusion
be
and will
it really
matter.

happy
to me
is content
satisfied
pleased
and loved
and
never
wondering
wishing
crying
for more.

the only
thing
more
that i want
i know
will
come
to me
with time
work
energy
and age.

so
they do
matter
but i know
it will matter
when the time
comes
and until
then
i must not
worry
or wonder
but just
take care
of my matter
now
here
today.

so tomorrow
it wont matter
what i could have
should have
didnt
do
today.

because
bottom line
it does
matter
even
if what matters
is that
it doesnt.

britney

i dont believe
they gave him
the kids.
seriously?
how come he never
fought so hard
for his other kids?
jackass

they articles state
that britney
is
confused
what the
confusion?
she is only
confused
because those around her
just enjoy
drinking
from
the money
fountain
the her
tears
provide.

she seriously
honestly
immediatly
needs
not a rehab
only
for herself
but a rehab
of all
the people
she has
around her.

after all
she is only in her 20's
how can everyone
expect
a mother of two
with the only
experience
of being
a teenage
heartthrob.

she
is
just a
girl.

and the boys
they sure
know
how to
hurt her.

i dont believe
in all the community
who
has the ability
to reach her
no one
has successfully
awakened her.

the reach
of
evil
must be
strong
in her
circuit.

i am hoping
waiting
for great
things
to come
of her
to her
but for now
i am hoping
someone
thinks
outside of
britney
and
kfed
and thinks
of two little boys
whose world
is always
inside
out
and
whose existence
is merely
a commodity
to another.

the entire story
reaks
of abused
trust
confidence
love

i hope
balance
is found
and
soon.

inspiration

is so hard to come by.

to inspire
me
you must be
everything
that i would be
but further down
the road
inspiring.

an artist
creates
one of the greatetst
inspirations
and when i say
artist
of any form

(some definitions, that were not about specific 'arts')

artist

noun
a person whose creative work shows sensitivity and imagination

A person whose work shows exceptional creative ability or skill

so, if they fit
into the above
then
they are
the artist
i speak of.

[was completly interrupted... so back to where i was...]

every artist
creates
one thing
in common
and that is
inspiration.

there are levels of inspiration
and if you think you are at the lowest
remember
always
that everything you do
anything you do
may
could
can
inspire.

i guess
what makes
someone seem
more inspirational
is the number of people
they have
claiming
inspiration.

in order
to gain
numbers
one
must gain
popularity.
something
today
made to seem
so wrong.
popularity is not wrong.
but
popularity is not right.

in 7th grade
fresh to the beautiful
california
and
america
new ideas
concepts
reality
i saw a poster
made no sense
like a riddle
that i was
yet
to decipher.

it said
what is popular
is not always right
and
what is right
is not always popular
isnt that amazing.
and slowly
i started to figure it out
back then
popular
was what i thought
would make me happy
and i would
have continued
on my path
of destruction
misery
and deceit.

but i was blessed
an angel
saved me
and
that angel
i married
and love
to eternity
until the coming
of the Meshiach.
B"H
and forever
in the garden
of eden.

(~ excuse the moment of digression for my love note...)

so
i now
although
young
to some
and for many years
have felt
so proud
for understanding
remembering
that riddle
that moral
of the story.

so as far as inspiration
although few affect me
enough to inspire
those who do
inspire me
to be better
stronger
and believe
in me
and my
fight
for
equal.

popular is not wrong.
but with popular
comes
great
responsibility
and control
lets take back
popular
lets take back control
popular vote
does
can
will
change.

i strive to inspire
one at a time
growing
naturally
i too
inspire.
i accept
that
responsibility
and pray
for the ability
to do it
Right.

inspire.

games

i have been thinking
about bloggin
this title
for days now
i even started the blog
this am
but then, decided
nevermind

well, ive redecided
and i definitly
do
mind.

i begin
with a concession
that i
as a human
am sure
that i myself
engage
in many
games.

but
i feel
im usually
on the defense
thrown into a game
and everybody's game
is so different
some use die
some colored pawns
either way
im not always sure
of the rules
the goal
and why exactly
we are even
playing
games.

i want honesty
i want to talk
i want to be understood
im sick of
being
misinterpreted
attacked
and misread.

the problem is
these games
are all around me
so i must wonder
is my subconscious
truly
the master mind
behind
all the games
and therefore
i myself
am really
the aggressor??

possibly.
but not
intentionally.

"i believe in love
please send me love
and i will try again..."

sorry, broke out into song.

but its true
i believe in love
i believe in peace
i believe in solutions
i dont like
to be mad
to be sad
to be hurt

i dont want to play
these mind games
crazy trips
of emotion
i would rather
a game
where everyone is aware
we are playing
involved
and cooperating
and then
we can enjoy
each other
our life
and
the game.

i just want peace
i want love
i want to share it
and enjoy it
with those
i love

i want to be
understood
and loved
is that so much
to ask for
in this game
of life?

atoms and space

btw...

the awakening finally hit stores.
everyone should get a copy.

the photo
is of a moment
i wanted to share
with anyone
who would care

the beauty of light
is that it affects
everything around
and if you dont look
you may miss
the beauty
behind the shade
or be blinded
by the falsity

i call this
the WaSU tree
of wisdom
;)

detox

starting friday (some crazy person put it in a book taht u should start on fridays so that once u get through the weekend, its smooth sailing....)

so, starting friday.... i am doing this body detox program.

eating veggies, seeds, oats and nuts. and fruits. sounds like a fiesta bowl to me.

supposedly once i detox my body i will feel better, etc. etc.

i am doing it mostly to be a supportive wife
but also
because i think this will be good
28 days of being challenged
and having to stick to something
discipline
and all that stuff
ive never been good at

i am excited
and i have a determined partner
to stick through it with
yay!!!

so anyways
its 28 days detox
than
28 days "energize"
and then i think 28 days fitness....

so... that brings us to the greatest time of year.. my birthday holiday month... and then we get to relax, feel good, and enjoy!!!

the tides are changing
and the ripples
are creating waves

i am so excited for what is ahead.
different than ever before
growing together
and making our unit
a stronger
better
one.

i dont believe im going to be eating lots of green stuff.
but on the plus side
at least we are finally getting a juicer!!

twisted

is the world.

twisted
is my word.

its a dance
between
you
and me
figuring
out
what it is
we mean
everytime
we speak
and
everytime
we meet.
dancing
sometimes
slow
sometimes
fast
together
apart
moving left
right
all about
as we lose
each other
on
the dance
floor.

mirrors
reflect
but if
you
twist
the mirror
bend it
here
there
images
distorted
perception
deceived
and suddenly
what you see
is not
what
you get.

i prefer
to avoid
mirrors
because
i know
i see
with biased
eyes
i do not
deny it
but i do know
that when
i avoid
the mirror
what i see
will be
influenced
more with
my other
senses
than
the powerful
mighty
eye.

school
twisted
life
twisted
family
twisted
not
twisted
is my
faith
dreams
belief
desire.

truth
keeps
the path clear
and avoids
the twisted
map
of
peace
happiness
and light.

its not about
if i
am ok
its about
are you
and
are you
with
me.

yom kippur

i dont know how
to find
all the people
not that
there are
many
but nonetheless
those people
who i may
need
to ask
forgiveness
and even
those
who dont
i still
want to
just in case

so
i will
put it out here
on my blog
to the world
the people
to you
i am sorry
for anything
conscious
intentional
or not
that i may
have done
said
thought
to harm
hurt
pain
you.

i will go
tonight
after my meal
and begin
my fast
and any
hunger
that i feel
shall be
a desire
that
i need
to fill
with G-d
Hashem
with prayer
blessings
forgiveness

i
forgive
those
both
in my world
and out of it
the known
and
the unknown
no boundry
no border
culture
language
all barriers
broken
because
peace
knows
no
creed
race
color.

peace is universal
and when i
ask
for peace
happiness
love
and success
i ask
for it
to not
come
at the price
of peace
justice
or value
to humankind
the world
each other.

thank you
for
fogiving me
i hope
to do better
in the year to come
in everyway
all ways
true
to my
heart
love
commitment
and dreams.

i especially
want to
say
sorry
to my soul mate
who as
my other half
must always
constintly
deal
with what
before
was only
i
alone
facing
confronting.
thank you
for your
patience
trust
and
always
being
my guiding
light
and shining
bright
keeping me
safe
along
my way.
my partner
for life
besheret.

have
an easy
fast
not
that
any
fast
is easy

and may
you too
be inscribed
in the book
of
life.
*amen*
B"H

dreamz

funny.
not related to my previous thought
yet has the same idea
dreams.

vivid dreams
sometimes
keep my
brain
awake
all night
hardly sleeping
sleeping hard
another place
my mind engaged
all my senses
my
subconscious
awake
as i
peacefully
sleep.
my slumber
my rest
my id.

interpretation
has always
fascinated me
i remember
being young
seeing my dads
dream book
trying to look through it
figure out
what
i am
looking for

i have this one
dream
from when i was little
i always remember it
it followed me
not only
through sleep
but the thumping
always
boom boom
in my
ear.

similiar dreams
always
have followed me
chasing dreams
a little double meaning
double
indeed.

i looked them up
googled em
and it revealed what
i thought
but yet
never
sat
and
thought
about it.

but then
it said
something
that just
opened
my eyes
my thoughts
and suddenly
that dream
when i was just a handful
starts
to make sense

great.

except
now
the bigger
challenge
is
interpreting
today's dreams
and finding
what it is
my id
subconscious
alternate
awareness
is trying
to teach me
warn me
inform me.

off to sleep
i must
find
my answers.
then
i can walk
my dreams.

what i want...

i call it a dream.
but some
think
dreams
are just that
unlivable
unreachable
something
to get you through
but
if something
is going
to get me through
my dream
is attainable
is reachable
and it is
what
i fight for.

sometimes
i have
these
wants
dreams
that are so
out there
but yet
so reachable
because
if you believe
and do
as you want
and desire
you can make it happen
yet
no one
else
listening
and wanting
and believing
can halt
progress
response
change
alertness.

thick headed
stubborn
unknowing
ignorance
is bliss
so
they say
but then
they say
many
things
that show
no bliss.

btw
i saw rosie
in israel?
cool
lucky gal
hope it
was
what
she hoped
it would
be.

so
back to
what i want
well
the beauty
queen
would say
world peace
yet
she wouldnt
know
what parts
of the world
and where
that
would be.

what i want
is
truth
and love
and peace
and understanding
respect
and passion
and everything
that fulfills
ones heart
ones life
ones desire.
for good
for harmony
for each other
we need
to work
together
dream
together
and fight
together.

what i want
is for you
to
want.

i dont get it

high
low
up
down

i dont get it

the higher my high
the harder my low

emotions
confusing
thats one
so many
all at once
too many
so few
with labels
and even
then
labels
never
mean
the same
you
me
angry
sad
only
we know
our
feeling
and the emotion
and chemical
balance
reaction
within us
the energy
the electricity
i know there is a P and K
something
our bodies
go through
waves
i
seem
to have
tsunamis
and then
calmness
still
before
the storm


jumping for joy
to crushed
i dont get it
but then
i feel
through it
remember
notate
and
i
grow
and
move
on.

shana tova