mouth

by merril bainbridge

I feel like I've been blown apart
There are pieces here
I don't know where they go
I don't know where they go

Kiss me on my salty lips
I bet you feel a little crazy
But for me
We'll be famous on TV

Chorus
Would it be my fault if I could turn you on?
Would I be so bad if I could turn you on?
When I kiss your mouth, I wanna taste it
Turn you upside down, don't wanna waste it

I jump on you, you jump on me
You push me out and
Even though you know I love you
I'd be inclined to slap you in the mouth

When I kiss your salty lips
You will feel a little crazy
But for me
I'll be famous on TV

Chorus x2

Now, will it be my fault if I
Take your love and throw it wide
You might restrain me
But could you really blame me

And you will feel you're blown apart
All the pieces there
Will fit to make you whole
And I know where they go

Chorus

When I kiss your mouth, I wanna taste it
Turn you upside down, don't wanna waste it
x2

there is no right way to smile

easter. i dont celebrate it
only thing i knew of easter as a kid
was the amazing candy. and chocolate.
i must say my chocolate love affair
has lasted almost all my life
true love

so
on this day that i dont celebrate
yet the one i love does
i am subject to in laws.
yay in laws.
not quite.

you gotta love them
their passion
commitment
the blood
that runs through her.
through them.
a petition against gay marriage
h to the e to LL NO YOU DIDNT!
wow. that moment. the feeling.
indescribable.
brian kinney (QAF) said
there are two kinds of straight people
those who hate you to your face
and those who hate you to your back

i much prefer those
who hate to my face
at least they are real
not full of $h17.

all the while
drugs
neglect
naivity
innocence
glowing in the air
7
being told
smile, but keep your mouth shut
(who calls that a smile??)
the pain
inside
too young
to bare
a product
of an enviroment
oh so full of grace.

crossroads
that i am at
my train has gotten into mischief
topham hat will not be pleased
he will scold us
and be annoyed.
toot toot...
off we go.

here, there, everywhere
that is how my life flows
fluidly
constantly
non stop
all the worlds
living as one
inside
my mind

Thank You G-d for You Have Blessed Me
shema israel adonai elukaynu adonai echad
we are all one
seperate
is not
equal
unity
passion
love
peace.

no doubt

dont speak.

You and me
We used to be together
Everyday together always
I really feel
That I'm losing my best friend
I can't believe
This could be the end
It looks as though you're letting go
And if it's real
Well I don't want to know

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

Our memories
Well, they can be inviting
But some are altogether
Mighty frightening
As we die, both you and I
With my head in my hands
I sit and cry

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

It's all ending
I gotta stop pretending who we are...
You and me I can see us dying...are we?

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't tell me cause it hurts!
I know what you're saying
So please stop explaining

Don't speak,
don't speak,
don't speak,
oh I know what you're thinking
And I don't need your reasons
I know you're good,
I know you're good,
I know you're real good
Oh, la la la la la la La la la la la la
Don't, Don't, uh-huh Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush darlin' Hush, hush
don't tell me tell me cause it hurts
Hush, hush darlin' Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush don't tell me tell me cause it hurts

this song
was an 'anthem' to me
in the way
that a select few
have been.
to name some others
heal the world
what if god was one of us
angels would fall
breakdown
smoke two joints
lets go get stoned
i will always love you
and im sure there are more

so when i hear these songs
so much emotion
feelings arise
and moments remembered
some of them
so sad then
i look at so fondly
the breaking moments
of when i was hurt the most
and shattered
crushed
and how i can look back at them
and smile
chuckle at myself
and how i responded
my rebellion
my action.

if you ask
yes
i think i am so cool
but only because
i was such a nerd
and yet
my big heart
has kept me strong
and loving
and peaceful
and everything else
that makes me
who i am
(yes, the yelling too)

flashbacks
gotta love my anthems

what they didnt tell us...

when they told us the story of adam and eve.

they forgot to mention
that with the apple
and all the things
and horrible things
it brought with it
labor
work
agony
marriage
no one mentioned
that it also meant manogomy.

wonder if the snake woulda told eve that
if eve woulda taken the bite
im sure adam woulda run the other way at such mention.

oh well.

ill be sure my kids
hear the story
with extra details
even if
the details
are just
my own.
i happen to think
it makes sense.
thats all that matters
in my world
if you dont like it
have scotty beam you up
later gator.

dreams...feeling...real

dreams are so fascinating.
some people remember them
some claim not to dream
but how do you remember
what goes on
when your body rests
and your mind controls?

i realize that some people, their mind truly can rest
when they sleep, its silence, calm, peaceful
when i sleep, it is vivid, real, clear
the first few hours, usually pass quickly
my slumber
but i then i begin the dreams
in my dreams
i feel
i feel some emotions
i never have felt anywhere else
but in my dreams
fear, love, pain, pleasure
so intense
heart pounding
adrenaline rushing
dreams

i feel more in my dreams
than sometimes i feel in days

as a child
day dreaming
that is where i lived
as i grew up
the day dreams
there were no time
dealing with life
love
faith
day dreams put on hold
while i took care of
my physical
my body
my heart

and my mind
more than ever
craving those moments
where i can lay
and be still
or drive
and disappear
and return to the dreams
and feel
hope, truth, disappointment, anger

dreams are what remind me
to take every minute
and appreciate it
because there are many things
that could happen
that could change
and feelings
that i am yet to feel
await
because
there is plenty of moments left
to my existence
and my presence

i want to feel
i need to feel
i need to become
whatever it takes
to feel
how my mind
and body
crave for me
to feel.

happy anniv to us

march 4
forever
a date ill remember
our anniv
not the wedding
but of togetherness

eight years
yes
EIGHT!

its amazing to be with someone
who grows with you
challenges you
depends on you
strengthens you
and understands you.

to some
they pass through many to find
some of that
sometimes
all of it
and my first shot
my awakening
brought me into the life
of my
most magnificant
beloved.

its not always peachy
life never is
but even when the grapes go sour
our love shines through
we continue to grow
individually
and together
as our paths
merge
our own little
freeway
parallel
together
no detours
where you go
i shall go
forever.

its not going to be easy
you know im a little crazy
its ok
i love all the voices in your head too
we fit
perfectly
imperfectly
balanced.

i love you
forever

B"H

a quick thought...

as i read the briefs for the In Re Marriage cases to be argued tomorrow.
March 4
my anniv. ironic, eh?
maybe good luck will stem from it.

anyways
my thought

the best thing
that hiliary clinton can do
if she becomes president
is get rid
of her foolish hubbys
DOMA law
defense of marriage act
pathetic
i dont need her to promise
because a politicians promise
is worth less than
the unclaimed penny laying on the street

i am proud of CA
because RDP = spouse
= equal benefits as far as CA is concerned
so however tomorrow turns out
i still know
at least in CA
i am protected
and truly
a state
citizen
equally

going back

i just want to go back
to being me
not in all ways
certain ways
the motivated
dreamy
focused me.

sometimes
i want to go back
to the depressed
suicidal
manic me.

i even think
of going back
to the promiscious me
this time slightly diff
with a blurred view
without losing
the purity
and being
carefree.

but
i never
think
of going back
to the lonely me
teased me
forgotten me.

and i remember
all those me's
what they have taught me
where they have brought me
who i am today
me.

so
if i have lost
some of my better traits
and if i have gained
some baggage
and shielded views
its not about going back
because i know where i have been
its about moving forward
and deciding where im going.

so i just need to work harder
focus longer
and CLEAN
up my act
my room
my path.

the bunny is cruisin
with my lady snoozin
the music boomin
and my shades guiding
my light
my sight
my path
me.

one of those wow moments...

when you realize something that has changed about you...
and its actually for the better.

i just had a moment
after chatting with a pal
where somehow i was taken back
to a moment
where something about me
that was learning distance
and tested the lines
was questioned
critiqued (however u spell that...)
and
feedback
received.

even then
when it hurt
as it does
when something about you
is picked on
brought to the attention of those you love
and found to be at fault.

even enduring the pain
i recognized
that the people i love
whether they love me in return
are teaching me something
about myself
about others
about interraction
and pain
is part
of that
inter=action.

emotion
feeling
memory
a little shock
of sensation
to let you know
that you feel.
(and as i say.... i know i am alive because I feel...)

feeling
becomes
remembering
and
memories
which become
lessons
thoughts
and
shape
our everyday
communication
sensation
and
interraction.

today
i look back
and a quick glimpse
once i was told
how to improve
and today
without
even a bother
its adjusted
corrected
and somehow
seems to serve
its purpose.

its amazing having one of these wow moments.
realizing something has changed within you.
and being better for it.
being who i am today
is every moment
feeling
sensation
of all my
days/months/years
before me
growing.
feeling.
alive.

B"H

thursday nite

and in 9 min, friDAY...

i know i said i would try
daily blogs
but like i said
we are gonna have to work on it
changing everything
about you
your surroundings
your love
its tough
and i apparently
either control issues
or lazyness problems
cant seem to dive in.
coward maybe?

well... i will get THERE though
where THERE is i dont know
and thats part of the struggle
i cant decide
or even narrow
how i see my tomorrow

maybe i believe
that things will just work
way more
maybe its like a cup
and you fill it with hard work
sacrifice
commitment
and then when the time comes
for things to work out
they overflow
and the return
everything
desired.

so thats what its about
sacrifice
commitment
hard work
and
belief

so
6 min til tomorrow
im going to commit
sacrifice
and work hard
and of course
i always believe
so
here i come
not ready
ready or not
anyway
awake
asleep
good night
great tomorrow

brit milah

wow. wow again.

over the years i have casually spoken of this ritual
circumcision (hereafter, "brit")
the choice many mothers face
to snip or not
does not really exist
in my fate
judaism
its a necessary
sacrifice if you will
to enter
the covenant.

but, today
it was my nephew
entering in the covenant
E.M.Y.D
what a champ
brave and strong
apparently
endowed as well
the strange things
people discuss

so
someone had to film it
and bravely i rose
i was hoping to be photographer
but fine, video it will be
the nooel (*SP)
(person who does the procedure)
is a dr.
and well he should be
for what he is about to do

there i stood
proudly
admiring
his strength
energy
and focus.
he knew to be brave
and he was
he just knew.

and then
pass the scalpel
check
pass the gauze
check
pass the clamp
uhh...
debby?
*THUD*

intense
is an understatement
apparently
three times
in and out
consciousness
reality
faded
shaded
serene
quiet
peace

tranquil
G-d
present
and
accounted for.

once my mother
believes i am fine
and realizes
the show must go on
my sister
stepping up
to protect

back to our places
the time has come
open Your arms
reach out and accept
this lamb
upon Your alter
entering
an eternal
fulfilling
relationship

proudly
family
blood and not
celebrate
rejoice
Your son
has entered
Your covenant
accepted.

blogger in hebrew

isnt that wonderful?
you can now blog in hebrew
thats just so great
in so many ways

nothing much going on today
but i said i was going to try
and blog daily
so here i am
blogging
daily
or at least beginning to

my drive home was interesting
did no one teach people
that you dont change lanes in front of
a speeding car??
somebody add that
to the driving course
please

i feel as though i am getting sick
actually
i have felt sick
and now im starting to
have all the symptoms
ive sneezed so many times tonight
and unfortunately
not ever sneeze
was met
with a bless you
psshhtt
only a bless me
works the same
:)

so
back to the drive home
it was very ping pongy
one moment
im planning all the errands and such
that i need to do
from TJ's
to wamu
to vz
all the hip
acronyms ive got

on the other hand
i have to study
i HAVE TO STUDY
absolutely
MUST
i think
no, i KNOW
the study
MUST
trump all else
but will it??

so
tonights final thought
is about
all the minutes
that will turn to hours
that i will spend
tomorrow
hopefully
spending them
on task
studying
learning
reading
all that
im supposed to do
with this title
of "student"

i guess the title
of "wife"
must be put on hold
which is ok
because wednesday
is our
special day
to celebrate
v-day
which really
is everyday
but since everyone else is doing it
so will we
except
well do it a day early
and the way we spend most days
together
good food
laughing
and lots
of
...
FUN!! ;)

february 08...

its been a while since i have blogged.
its been a while since ive stopped to think
since i have pondered
dreamt
and created.
its been a while since ive
stood up to the challenge
won the fight
taken the time.
i want tomorrow to be the first
of the different days
of the new age
every minute
accounted
and spoken for.

valentines day
is near
today is 7 mos
married
and our anniversary
weeks away.

ive found the love
for the love life
and now i must
work on the
career
of career life
and most importantly
on the me
in my life.

i will try blog more often
maybe sticking to a schedule
and including
little things
like blogging
will help
in the transforming
into
the studious
disciplined
focused
me.

something
sooner
or later
has gotta
give
even if
just a little
just enough
to set free
whats inside
of me.

sweet dreams
today is tomorrow
tomorrow is here
and i must live it
today.

2008....

lets make it great!

this year, in its short 6 days, has already been filled with lessons and awareness.
I know this can only mean great things will continue to lie ahead.

I start my internship tomorrow.
but the flame
that ive always had
of excitement
anxiety
and sorts
is not sparked within me
not that i am not excited
or nervous
but i feel blank

i know it will be fine
and maybe this is a new way
of jitters
for me to experience
im sure it will be great
i hope to be great
but for right now
i am just
hoping
to get through it
and find
my spark
and flame.

my birthday passed
several weeks ago
i am now
25
there, i said it
25
wow.
and for the first time
i dont feel
younger
older
but rather
just right

and now
i am ready
to embrace
just right
and take with it
all the experiences
that it has to offer
and all the lessons
that will continue to come
i hope to learn from them
and repeat
only those
worth repeating.

its not going to be easy
this year will be
the biggest
greatest
challenge
i have faced
in many, many years

how funny is that
of all the things
that i have gone through
experienced
and felt
somehow
there is something
that sticks out
and inside of me
i know
that after tomorrow
whatever happens
i will
never
be
the
same
again.

so
before i go
lay in bed
hopefully
not too
restless
i wanted to fill you in
and let you know

tune in
keep in touch
whats to come
no one knows
but what
i do know
is who i have been
and who i am
and who i will be
shall all
collide
melt
and form
the new
current
me.

wish me
all that
i wish you
love
happiness
oh, and luck!

leaving...

leaving
is not
an easy thing to do
although
it might be
the necessary action.

i remember
leaving
to pursue
better nights

and as much
as i knew
its what
i was
meant to do

it never
ever
stopped
me
from feeling
the
sadness
loneliness
heartache.

even in arms
of love
and safety
we can be
afraid
alone
and wondering

sometimes
it hurts
so much
we cant forget
and so
we fear
leaving
ever
again.

the hardest part
is knowing
about the fear
about the leaving
the consequences
and seeing
the path
ahead

and

its knowing
that those feelings
emotions
do not stay
behind
but rather
remain
within us
just
differently
taking different
forms

meaning
and
feelings
and
emotions
we can never forget them
becase knowing
of them
is how
we know
what it
feels like
means
and resembles.

however
our feelings
are disguised
and made aware
to us
erasing them
means trying
not to know
pain
and love
and feeling.

turning to
repression
digression
unhappiness
and
sadness.

they key
to being
balanced
and at peace
is knowing
each feeling
carrying
all our emotions
with us
everyday
not forgetting
remember
what our path behind us is
and that it reflects
into us
on our path
forever.

we just
get to choose
which turns
and detours
we go on
as we continue
on our
path
of life
until
we
leave.

one without the breaks

emotions. thousands. ever feel like your mind is just so overloaded that it feels numb. all your neurons firing at warp speed. thoughts just blurred. you want to cry and yet feel happy. you want to smile but feel pain. maybe, its just, wanting to feel. emotions. that is the word to label feelings. but, what is the feeling. is it the actual physical feeling your body is stimulated by, or is it the ripple that runs to your brain and creates emotion. if you do not show emotion, do you not feel? and if you feel, do you always show emotion? There must be a sixth sense. Something to fit heartbreak, pain, fear, and all our other emotions into. after all, we do feel them. but ive never touched anger, and yet i always hold optimism. this untouchable reality. feelings. how can you not beleive in their existence. yet, you do not see, hear, touch, smell or taste them. so, with every emotion, any emotion, when we experience them, we are believing in something untouchable. unreachable. yet, real. therefore, believe in faith, believe in love, believe in all the emotions. they are real. even if you can not see them. meanwhile, i'll be going through the cycle of continuing exploration of the thousands of emotions and feelings, most of which i can not name. peace. love. truth. have a super weekend. happy birthday to my special little man.

midterm mania

something
is seriously
the matter
when
nothing
especially
important
somethings
matters.

exams
tension
or pressure
whatever it is
what you do with it
is what
matters.

i wonder
what it is
will become
of me
and how
i will
get there
do i matter
how will i matter
matter
matter
matter.

how can
i make
myself
care
and make
things matter
when
i am
happy
no
matter
what.

am i happy
is the bigger
question
and that
does matter.

so
maybe
i must
look into
what
happy is
and what
it means
to be
happy.

i want those rules
so i can see
if i apply them
to me
what will
the conclusion
be
and will
it really
matter.

happy
to me
is content
satisfied
pleased
and loved
and
never
wondering
wishing
crying
for more.

the only
thing
more
that i want
i know
will
come
to me
with time
work
energy
and age.

so
they do
matter
but i know
it will matter
when the time
comes
and until
then
i must not
worry
or wonder
but just
take care
of my matter
now
here
today.

so tomorrow
it wont matter
what i could have
should have
didnt
do
today.

because
bottom line
it does
matter
even
if what matters
is that
it doesnt.

britney

i dont believe
they gave him
the kids.
seriously?
how come he never
fought so hard
for his other kids?
jackass

they articles state
that britney
is
confused
what the
confusion?
she is only
confused
because those around her
just enjoy
drinking
from
the money
fountain
the her
tears
provide.

she seriously
honestly
immediatly
needs
not a rehab
only
for herself
but a rehab
of all
the people
she has
around her.

after all
she is only in her 20's
how can everyone
expect
a mother of two
with the only
experience
of being
a teenage
heartthrob.

she
is
just a
girl.

and the boys
they sure
know
how to
hurt her.

i dont believe
in all the community
who
has the ability
to reach her
no one
has successfully
awakened her.

the reach
of
evil
must be
strong
in her
circuit.

i am hoping
waiting
for great
things
to come
of her
to her
but for now
i am hoping
someone
thinks
outside of
britney
and
kfed
and thinks
of two little boys
whose world
is always
inside
out
and
whose existence
is merely
a commodity
to another.

the entire story
reaks
of abused
trust
confidence
love

i hope
balance
is found
and
soon.

inspiration

is so hard to come by.

to inspire
me
you must be
everything
that i would be
but further down
the road
inspiring.

an artist
creates
one of the greatetst
inspirations
and when i say
artist
of any form

(some definitions, that were not about specific 'arts')

artist

noun
a person whose creative work shows sensitivity and imagination

A person whose work shows exceptional creative ability or skill

so, if they fit
into the above
then
they are
the artist
i speak of.

[was completly interrupted... so back to where i was...]

every artist
creates
one thing
in common
and that is
inspiration.

there are levels of inspiration
and if you think you are at the lowest
remember
always
that everything you do
anything you do
may
could
can
inspire.

i guess
what makes
someone seem
more inspirational
is the number of people
they have
claiming
inspiration.

in order
to gain
numbers
one
must gain
popularity.
something
today
made to seem
so wrong.
popularity is not wrong.
but
popularity is not right.

in 7th grade
fresh to the beautiful
california
and
america
new ideas
concepts
reality
i saw a poster
made no sense
like a riddle
that i was
yet
to decipher.

it said
what is popular
is not always right
and
what is right
is not always popular
isnt that amazing.
and slowly
i started to figure it out
back then
popular
was what i thought
would make me happy
and i would
have continued
on my path
of destruction
misery
and deceit.

but i was blessed
an angel
saved me
and
that angel
i married
and love
to eternity
until the coming
of the Meshiach.
B"H
and forever
in the garden
of eden.

(~ excuse the moment of digression for my love note...)

so
i now
although
young
to some
and for many years
have felt
so proud
for understanding
remembering
that riddle
that moral
of the story.

so as far as inspiration
although few affect me
enough to inspire
those who do
inspire me
to be better
stronger
and believe
in me
and my
fight
for
equal.

popular is not wrong.
but with popular
comes
great
responsibility
and control
lets take back
popular
lets take back control
popular vote
does
can
will
change.

i strive to inspire
one at a time
growing
naturally
i too
inspire.
i accept
that
responsibility
and pray
for the ability
to do it
Right.

inspire.

games

i have been thinking
about bloggin
this title
for days now
i even started the blog
this am
but then, decided
nevermind

well, ive redecided
and i definitly
do
mind.

i begin
with a concession
that i
as a human
am sure
that i myself
engage
in many
games.

but
i feel
im usually
on the defense
thrown into a game
and everybody's game
is so different
some use die
some colored pawns
either way
im not always sure
of the rules
the goal
and why exactly
we are even
playing
games.

i want honesty
i want to talk
i want to be understood
im sick of
being
misinterpreted
attacked
and misread.

the problem is
these games
are all around me
so i must wonder
is my subconscious
truly
the master mind
behind
all the games
and therefore
i myself
am really
the aggressor??

possibly.
but not
intentionally.

"i believe in love
please send me love
and i will try again..."

sorry, broke out into song.

but its true
i believe in love
i believe in peace
i believe in solutions
i dont like
to be mad
to be sad
to be hurt

i dont want to play
these mind games
crazy trips
of emotion
i would rather
a game
where everyone is aware
we are playing
involved
and cooperating
and then
we can enjoy
each other
our life
and
the game.

i just want peace
i want love
i want to share it
and enjoy it
with those
i love

i want to be
understood
and loved
is that so much
to ask for
in this game
of life?